Sunday, 18 May 2014

#447 ~ The Best Boyfriend Theory

The Best Friend, Boyfriend TheoryThe Best Friend, Boyfriend Theory by Laura Lawrence

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

I featured this as a DSOA pick over a year ago now on my Blog, when it was available as a free Kindle download.

The actual plot idea was if not star tingling, then fairly okay. However, the overall rating was adversely affected by the fact that this book had poor punctuation, grammar and language though out. In fact, I would go so far as to say that even my 16 year old Dyslexic daughter would not have made some of the grammatical errors.

Therefore, what should have been a pleasant, if undemanding reading, was a struggle to finish.

My advice to the author would be, if you can't manage the grammar, punctuation, etc. then find an editor to do the job for you. Then hie off to an Adult Education course and take an English course; it would cover the mistakes you have made, and improve your writing no end.

There is no doubt that the author can tell a reasonable story, but there is no doubt in my mind that it is just telling, not showing a reader.

On little highlight to note was that I did spot a comma spice, whether it was there by accident, or design, is difficult to tell though.

Product Details

It's available HERE, although not free anymore.  The Kindle file is currently listed at £2.02.

241 pages
Indie Writer (Self-published)
Fiction, Contemporary, Romance

The Good ... the Bad .... and the Ugly

Let's compare it to a boxing match today.

In the good corner, a nicely applied comma splice.

The ugly was left hanging around holding a water bottle and forgetting to add punctuation throughout.

The heavy-weight of the competition was the bad element; with many, many punctuation and grammatical and tense shift errors - too many to mention all of them.

Additionally, I feel a big shout out should be included for the many missing grammatical coordinates (or particles) for items such as 'come find' 'to go pee' etc. 

Here's some (not all) of the errors:

Loc 361:  'after' repeated in close proximity.

Loc 383:  'weeks' repeated in close proximity.

Loc 553:  'Well I am not going to let him do this to me this time, time to ignore it and act normal.' - I rest my case really with this example!

Loc 581:  'I don't want you moving out and hating me, or moving out and never seeing me again because .... really do love you.' - an ellipse is three dots ... and I think it should be I really do love you.

Loc 680: ' ,,, lifts his god arm up inviting me to come lie my head on his chest.' - good arm; come and lie ...

Loc 721: 'I try to keep my eyes off his tight squeezable ass as I negotiate the water temperature for him.' - a tight squeezable donkey? Probably this should be arse, and I would query the use of 'negotiate' and suggest regulate as a better choice.

Loc 881:  '... and the people I work with our fantastic.' - are?

Loc 905: '... a miniscule red dress with no back and barley covering her bum.' - incorrect spellings, it's minuscule, and barely.

Loc 917:  '... to get to the kitchen but I ensure I letting.' - ?

Loc 1493: '... that's just the excess products in it from lay next to me with his sweaty palm resting firmly on my breast,' - laying.

Loc 1551: 'I unlock the door and let it do, you really think she's ok!' - I've not idea how that portion of the sentence should be constructed, but would guess on let it go, and do you ... the author needs to repair it.

Loc 1595: '... it's Adams ...' - it's Adam's ...

Loc 1596: '... but we need to go to the chemist on lunch.' - at lunch.

Loc 1621: '... I notice to look of terror on Jess's young face ...' - the look.

Loc 1743: 'By the end of my of the story James has come across as a ...' - ?

Loc 1765: '... but I've not spoke to him in so long ...' - spoken.

Loc 1787: 'I have barley spoke to James or even thought about him in weeks ...' - correct to barely and spoken.

Loc 1787: 'A single tear escapes staining my cheek as it slides down my face.' - a lovely example of the need for punctuation.  It is in fact quite a nice sentence, but loses impact.  As it escapes, a single tear stains my cheek, and slides down my face.

Loc 1850:  'Unfortunately whist I was given ...' - whilst.

Loc 1885: ' I pull into Mums Street.' - Mum's street.  There were many examples of 'mums' missing apostrophe going forward.

Loc 1902:  'I can assure you that's not just me being biased because she is my mum and Phoebe is a marriage wrecking, dad-stealing whore.  Honest.' - a stunning example of punctuation, or lack of it, turned ugly.

Loc 2023: (wins the prize for funniest mistake) 'my own mellow drama ...' - melodrama.

Loc 2099: 'He took this opportunity to tell that Julia thought I was in love with him ...' - to tell me.

Loc 2397: '... I hold him it was pancakes ...' - told him.

Loc 2485: '... make a pack we do it as quickly as possible ...' - make a pact.

Loc 2521: '... chest of draws ...' - drawers.

Loc 2913: 'I know he is furious at me ...' - with me.

Loc 3147: '... add it to the pile of letters I have wrote him over the years ...' - written to him.

Loc 3225: '... where I am sat on the sofa.' - sitting.

Loc 3233: 'Suddenly he is on top of me he tongue hungrily searching for mine, such passion.' - should have been a comma splice instead of a comma.

Loc 3340: '... sex of the baby, providing it is, lay in the right position.' - providing it is laying in the right position.

Loc 3389: '... lay' - again, laying.

Loc 3873:  '... he hasn't t been ...' - an extra letter.

Loc 3972:  '... so they get on quite happy with each other's company ...' - happily in each.

Loc 4029:  '... blue cheque long sleeve shirt ...' - check.

Loc 4063: 'lay' - laying.

Loc 4133: '... and they seem just as content together now as they did we were young.' - when we were young.

Loc 4536:  'They say a parent is only has happy as their saddest child ...' - as.

Loc 4741:  'Felicities birth quizzed by ...' - Felicity's.  An error repeated numerous times.

Loc 4766: 'Luckily Rachel said if I decide not to come back to work I will not months so I don't have to pay back any of my maternity pay which is fantastic.' - Apart from the lack of punctuation, what the heck is going on with the sentence?

Loc 4801: 'My mum's been sending us food packaged with fresh things, tins and also her yummy handmade meals for us to freeze and eat when we want, which ...' - Another stunning lack of punctuation.  I would question the use of packaged, and feel it should have been packages.

Loc 4875:  'Their lawyer said she was the calmest scorn wife she had ever met.' - scorned.

Loc 4960:  '(Who is still in her car seat you understand not just lied on the floor.)' - Firstly, I am not sure it's really grammatically correct to have a sentence in brackets, but would be happy to stand corrected.  To my mind a comma splice might have been appropriate.  Secondly, it should be laying.

Loc 4967:  '... who knows she may be scared for life.' - for her life.

Loc 5011: '... Andrews.' - Andrew's.

Loc 5056: '... as I see her full outfit lay out on the bed.' - laying.

Finally, the end of a rather long list.

Happy reading all.



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